Friday, April 14, 2006

My friend Jim

My friend Jim the illiterate car salesman came by today to pick up the papers for the bank . Jim cannot do anything the easy way. Jim called me at the crack of dawn to confirm my address, I confirmed it and sleepily hung up. One hour later Jim called back to confirm the pickup time. I agreed it was fine and hung up. One hour later Jim calls back to tell me that his daughter who lives with her mother lives right near me and he was going to go visit his daughter today and since we lived so close he was going to drop by on his way to pick up those papers today if that was okay. He said this all in one breath like I was going to be thrilled about his day.
I asked Jim if he was the same Jim that had already called twice today. He cheerfully agreed he was that Jim. I said Jim, we have already agreed on a time today, come to my house at that time and stop calling me. I then hung up. I admit I was a bit pissed.
Jim, because he is the worst car salesman ever, calls me right back.
I ask him "what do you want now Jim?"
He says "I am five minutes away, I'll be right there."
The agreed upon time was hours away. It was nine o'clock AM, I was in my pj's and unwashed and exhausted from a phone that had not stopped ringing.
I asked Jim what the hell was he talking about and he said I already told you, I am going to see my daughter, she lives right by you...
I was struck dumb. These idiots just don't care. I said come on then and hung up. In an exact re-enactment the damn guy was at the front door as I put the phone down..he must have been in my driveway the whole time just like how he was waiting behind the door the day before.
He knocked , I opened the door handed him the papers and closed the door .

Five minutes later the phone rang, it was Jim asking for directions to his daughters house.
I couldn't help it, I should have told him to bugger off but I couldn't. I gave him some half assed directions and hung up.

I want to buy this truck but I don't need to buy this truck, it seems everyone is having truck sales right now. I get that no one wants a truck anymore but I cannot get around not having a truck. Farming without a truck is impossible. I got flexfuel for the day alternate fuels are available but trucks just don't come in hybrid. I think someone should get on that quickly and I will buy one . The only "truck" that is a hybrid isn't a truck at all, it's a SUV and you can't put fifty bales of straw in a SUV.
I wish they would stop classifying SUVS with trucks.They have nothing in common. SUVS are just bullshit high end buses. I don't think anyone but a farmer or a tradesperson should have a truck, trucks shouldn't be pleasure vehicles. They are not fuel efficient. Can't be avoided for now. We will get a proper little hybrid for going to work when I can afford it. We are not wealthy enough to be a two car family. Right now the farm has to come first so we can feed everyone.

I was trolling my favorites this evening and I couldn't find anything interesting except dooces hilarious outing of her hate mail. I wanted to say I can't believe that shit but I can.
I have seen and read some of the craziest crap imaginable lately.
I followed a link to a weekly advice column about sex and the "how did that happen" letters. I laughed at first but then it made me a little sad.
People writing to a complete stranger about accidently peeing on themselves and finding it really really sexy, people shoving things in holes they really shouldn't have invaded, sad girls complaining about sad boys with tiny dicks...
I know these people exist.They exist at the margins and it's sad. People agreeing to castration because they have a fantasy that must be fulfilled and the horrible people that agree to operate without medical licenses. I can only wonder at how awful their lives must be, how terrible their sadness when they can only find pleasure or acceptance by mutilating their bodies or someone else's.
I don't understand S&M or fetishes. I have watched KINK and all I can say is why are they all ugly people? Not unattractive, damn ugly. The one alpha male acts like he is king, hotter than Brad Pitt and I gag at his greasy hair stuck to the side of his scabby balding head. He has women fighting for the right to be beaten by him. They call it prettier names but to me it's some creepy guy beating on a woman. The women are all bizarre.They stuff hundreds of extra pounds into leather assless chaps and grin madly. They think they are hot. They are so delusional they can't see what the rest of us see, some ridiculous fat woman playing dressup with her ass hanging out.
Maybe I cannot see their beauty because I find it hidden by their lack of esteem, for themselves and others. I think most of us would react one way when someone asked us to beat them , we would ask them what's wrong and how could we make them feel better about themselves. These people just start hitting, whipping or mutilating no questions asked.
They believe the act of asking for pain is consent to give pain instead of trying to find a way to relieve that persons need for infliction of pain.
They convince themselves that pain is sexual. Sex should never be about pain. Pain is pain. The relief of pain is pleasure. They believe that relief can be sexual and I think that's awful and sad.
What is worse is most of these people are sad and lonely, social misfits looking for a safe place. I can see why they landed into this deviant group. They were so desperate for caring and family they looked for a place that couldn't call them names. How can someone dressed in a dog collar getting whipped by a huge fat woman in assless chaps stop and make fun of someone else?
It's a community that lets anyone in and that is an easy sell for someone who feels depressed, lonely and ostracized.Hell getting smacked, beaten or whipped is a small price to pay for friends for some.
It just makes me feel sad.

Some of the medical blogs are damn funny though. It's not the medical problem that is funny it's the "how did that happen?" that can be hilarious. I can see how the gerbil in the ass story got started but not how Richard Gere got connected to it because people will put anything in their ass. I am not kidding, the newest addition was a nail file. Who in their right mind would send that in? It's pointy and sharp but people have put in lightbulbs, childrens toys (Barbie and Ken are favorites) kitchen implements and food. Lots of fruit been sent in the wrong way.
The problem ofcourse is getting things back out. Most of the time it's really not a problem and if people hadn't panicked they could have saved the humiliating trip to the ER but some cause permanent life changing problems.
No matter how curious you are keep non-approved things out of your butt. There are sex toy shops everywhere, online and off..pick something off that menu okay and leave the fruit alone.
We will laugh at you, we can't help yourself and us the indignity. The butt doctors shouldn't be getting rich off of your insatiable, usually drunken curiosity.

I have to stop following these links, they always seem harmless at first and next thing you know you have learned way too damn much about butts.


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