Saturday, March 04, 2006

navel gazing

I want to write but it's hard when I am working insane hours. It begins to feel like a chore. Do the dishes,quick vacuum and blog.
The writing for the most part is the most enjoyable but I have on occasion made vacuuming meditation and a way to give the cats a new and exciting experience.
It's a cosmic rule that all pets hate the vacuum cleaner and I don't get it. I have never snuck up on them and turned it on. I have never chased them around the house . I do now..just because they are being silly. They love to race from room to room all "the world is ending" and then they have a nap.
This is the first time I have two cats that are completely in love, they make out in the bathroom draped over each other washing each others's a damn good thing they are fixed or I would be knee deep in their offspring. Some part of me would love having kittens everywhere, the other part says kitty box disasters and the dream dies. Plus no one wants to be the cat lady.

Work is work, the battle to allow the dead to die rages on.All the attendees of the quality of death meeting pay lip service to the ideals but when they need to put it into practice they go back to the way they know. Do nothing and say nothing. Offer meaningless platitudes to the families and escalate the level of torture for a futile run..all so they can say" hey we did everything..everything..some things so awful we cannot speak of them but we did be thankful dammit and stop bitching."

On a completely different note Survivor and The Amazing race are good..except for Shane. Shane is an angry man who hates to be confronted and watching him bullshit his way through the game makes me uncomfortable. I know he was cast for just that reason but I don't want to be forced to think deeply about my aversions when I am watching crap reality television. I just want to lay on my couch under the comforter and make fun of people with a light heart. I don't want to have to dissect personality traits that creep me out and try to figure out why they bother me so damn much.
I wonder sometimes if these people are real or just actors playing a part. I have never met people like this in my real life. Maybe I am a sheltered Canadian but I don't think so. If they do exist? I don't want to meet them. They are caricatures, made up of the most irritating parts of everyone..I can recognize some but not all but there has to be some real to these people. Maybe that gets edited out.

Staggered through a really bad day yesterday but I am pleased to say I perserved and made it through. Sometimes I just want to curl up and forget my obligations but some quiet place in my head says "you can do this..keep going" I hope my patients can hear that same voice.


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