Sunday, February 26, 2006

How arrogant is your doctor?

I sometimes need a place of refuge. I guess we all do. Because I have a daily challenge of overcoming pain I like some company for help. I like to read the chronic pain and spinal disorders forum at BrainTalk. Brain Talk is a huge forum for just about every disease you could think of. Millions of people exchange information,education and more important support.
Every once in awhile we get doctors who visit the board. We have two resident docs who have been with us forever.One is a great chiropractor with an amazing website . The other is a pain specialist. We have adapted to their idiosyncrasies as they have adapted to ours.
Now we have a new doctor and I think he is an ignorant, mean, bizarrely uncaring twerp.
So, he is ruining my support network, he is pissing me off..what do I do?
I want to go on a rant ripping this guy but I stopped myself because I realized this jerk couldn't care less. He is there to make people feel bad, he gets off on belittling real distress so why fall into his trap? He wants someone to rage against his misogyny, hell he wrote in is his signature about his "narcisism". I decided that he needed to be ignored. For some people being ignored is the most painful punishment they have ever experienced. He needs this experience so he can understand what it feels like to be his patient.

Some mornings I wake up terrified to move. I know instinctively that things are going to be really,really bad. I move anyway. The pain is like broken teeth with the roots exposed. I stagger down the stairs, rush in to pee and then put the kettle on. I start with a handful of pills and a cup of tea and then I wait on the couch. I watch television mindlessly..waiting,waiting,waiting. It usually takes an hour for the pain to subside enough to make a shower feasible. This is how I start every day.Sometimes the pain is bad and sometimes it's worse and sometimes I cry and beg for relief and bargain hard with a God I don't believe in.
Today was a begging day. My husband is a good man and holds my hand and waits with me until the pills work and wipes my tears. He never tells me it will get better or it will be over soon. We both know that it would be a lie. Most likely it will get much worse.
I am not prepared for worse. No one can prepare for worse. I plan to bail and go for surgery..the last hope for any spiney. Ofcourse surgery is a crapshoot but there are people out there who have had success and are maybe not pain free but maybe mostly pain free and that would be wonderful.

My injury involves the lumbar spine. Most people have lower back pain sometime in their life. We all move at the waist, we twist when we lift when we are told not to, we lift that ridiculously heavy box because we are too impatient to wait for help..we grab the toddler right before they fall. Usually it's some awful muscle spasms that go away with a little rest and some ice and heat. Just a muscle pull nothing more.
I ruptured two discs. The nerve damage from doing this caused sciatica...
I think everyone has heard about sciatica, an elderly aunt always taking to their bed, novels that talk of characters with a touch of sciatica..
Sciatica is agonizing.I look back at that elderly aunt who had no access to modern medications and suffered in silence bedridden (and bitter I bet) and try hard to be thankful for the handful of pills I have access to everyday.

I wish that back pain didn't have such a negative history. I wish that every asshole trying to rip off the government and workmens comp wouldn't use "back pain" for their scams. I hate it when I see some insurance company undercover tape of the "back pain" guy hauling construction material and building his new deck with spa.
It means that when my pain rockets off the charts I can't go to the emergency room because everyone there slaps the "drugseeker" label right on your ass and they ignore you for hours. Even though I am a nurse with surgical scars and MRI's I will not go to the emergency room. I refuse to be humiliated. I have only been once, the very first week into this new life, I was treated initially with skepticism and if it weren't for my favorite doctor wandering through the er at that moment I believe I would have been left to suffer.

I want to say to every asshole out there looking for a scam so they never have to work again leave back pain out of it. Try alcoholism or heroin addiction or how about I am a sociopath that can't work because I can't help my need to hurt everyone around me.

I must say the itchiness has become manageable. I have a new cream that cuts it down to just itching a lot instead of compulsively trying to burrow a hole through my shins. It's the little things ..

Greys Anatomy..oh where to start?
George poor George. Meredith is just so awful..if Mcdreamy knew what she had just done I don't think he would want to be her friend at all. Meredith made no effort to even apologize. Who breaks into tears and tells someone who loves them to "go ahead and finish"? Who would go ahead and finish under those conditions? I think she is a brat, a vampire , self absorbed,selfish and cruel.
I loved Addision and Bailey..what wonderful actresses..I love Sandra Oh( I'm Canadian it's the law) but I think the actress playing Bailey was equally deserving of an award. Addison became a human being tonight. I wish that marriage could work but I still think it is too broken..I am hoping that Derek finds out about George and thinks better of Addison.
I just don't want Meredith and Derek together, Meredith is just so awful Mcdreamy would be forever tainted.
How much did I love Burke taking George home and blaming it on Christina? way too much..he's your friend hee..
I am not at all impressed with the ooh Izzie hearts the heart transplant guy but she's having sex with the other guy story's too much selfishness..selfishness overload tonight.
Made me want to do something nice for my husband so I baked a cake and didn't burn it this time! I heart Duncan Hines.

I admit that I am actually looking forward to the Amazing Race this time. The pathetic "family" edition really put me off but the commercials keep promising new countries! new adventures!'s hard not to hope.....please don't have the asshole and wife please,please,please.

I am really enjoying the American Idol recaps over at Television without pity. Jacob and Joe are doing a wonderful job at being really funny and spot on.I love trying to figure out what drug Paula took before the camera started rolling..she may in fact be a chronic pain patient..alot of our drugs induce brain fog..a condition she demonstrates well.


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