Wednesday, April 02, 2008

pandemic solutions

So let's leave the questions about blame aside because who cares anyway. It's not like we are going to get a chance to hold an inquest right?
For the first 10% of unlucky bastards there is no solution. You were our canaries in the coal mine. Too bad about your shitty luck but thanks for the warning.
To avoid being in that unlucky 10% you only have a few defenses. First make a habit out of staying out of the mall and crowded supermarkets. Buy your food from a local farmers market and don't for the love of God shake everybody's hand who sells you an apple. In fact stop shaking peoples hands and stop kissing and hugging people hello while you're at it. We don't like it anyway so no one is going to be all that offended. Become adept at lying to everybody that you have OCD and a germ phobia to avoid the aggressive physical greeters and we all know who you are and we want you to cut it out already ok?.
Better mental illness than a fatal virus right?
Unless you are Micheal Jackson or someone with cancer you really can't get away with wearing a mask every where you go but you could try telling people you have environmental allergies. You will look like a paranoid nut and let's face it..the risk of a fatal pandemic is so low is it worth it?
Now you are one of the lucky ones. You have avoided needlessly touching or being touched. Your next back up is to wash your god damned hands. This is going to be a tough one, We can't get people to wash their hands after they pee on them right now. Personally I think if you can't be bothered to wash your hands Darwin's Law is in effect. It's never wrong to thin the herd of stupid people.
By the way, it is not necessary to bath yourself in antibacterial cleansers, just try some soap and hot water and scrub for more than the 3.5 seconds I see you do in public bathrooms. I know you are so busy your life is a blur but I think you can spare two minutes to wash the piss and shit off your hands. Unless of course you are a member of that group that believes toilet paper has special germ killing abilities even when it's may promptly die.

The next strategy depends on your choice of education and employment. Your risks will decrease exponentially the farther away from any area of health care . I am not advocating giving up fifteen years of medical training but I do suggest changing your specialty to radiology and practicing from home. Or basing your practice in a small northern community with less than five hundred residents. Best to keep away from being a plumber too.
If you are currently a nurse or health care aide working in a big city hospital you may want to think about how flexible your ethics are.

After the pandemic burns itself out because we all obeyed the laws of quarantine and self isolated...ha ha hahahahahahahahaha...please.
Let's be honest. You and I both know half the city will be rioting on the street stealing televisions and trying to rob banks right?
So let's just stick with our little group of sane people here. Resist joining the mob to steal a flat screen and new lap top. The mob will be infected and they will also have guns,knives, baseball bats and anything else pointy they can get their hands on to better their chances of stealing four cans of baked beans and case of Pepsi.
Stay home. I don't care if you start feeling actual hunger pain. The only reason and I mean ONLY reason to leave your home is to get water. And really if you didn't have enough sense to run your four bathtubs and five sinks and fill up every container you had with water when the shit hit the fan maybe you are another Darwin candidate.
In the brave new world we are going to need smart people and someone who didn't think they may need a water supply can't qualify.

So, you stayed home until all the fools got sick or got shot from stealing shit that would have been free for the taking in a week and you are alive and feeling pretty damn pleased with yourself.
Now this is where we lose another 10%. The DIY electricians/plumbers who electrocute themselves and burn down their neighbourhoods because they forgot that despite 911 still working there aren't any firemen or paramedics to answer the phone. Regular old household accidents will take it's share as it always does. Once again this really isn't much of a loss.

The biggest danger we all will face in the coming weeks is religious nuts and politicians/fascists who have guns and want to be king.

Power will be up for grabs and because we all will be feeling a little shocked and raw we wont be paying attention to who has all those guns we have so thoughtfully left laying around.
It will become a military/paramilitary world if we are lucky. If we aren't it will religious fanatics running the show.

Bad for all of us.

Here is where you need to make your move and I mean literally. You need weapons, lot's of them and the bigger the better. And you need to move away from any populated areas.

Time to build your fortified compound people and you will only have a very short period of time to do it before you get rounded up to build someone else's.

Stephen King had one thing right. The person that controls the technology, the lights and the heat will be King. The chances that this person will form a benevolent democratic group full of love and peace? Slim to none.
Get going already. Grab as many of your technologically savvy friends as you can but leave the guys that can run the grids. Yes, some bad guy may get them but it's not your fault they thought engineering was a great major. There has to be sacrifices and avoiding going up in a mushroom cloud is one of them. Let that be a lesson to anyone considering a career in nuclear energy right now. Some despot may make you their very favorite lap dog. It wont be Guantanamo so stop whining. If we can maintain the safety of our power sources we may yet avoid getting radiated after luckily avoiding the pandemic and no one likes irony anyway.

So in the highly unlikely event of a global pandemic your best bet is to practice good hygiene and avoid crowds. To avoid the secondary effects of chaos get some water together and stay in your home. Avoid being a greedy prick picking at the carcass of your own city. Press gang the engineers into doing their jobs and get the hell out of town.
Doesn't seem that hard does it?
Now tell me if you can resist creeping out of your house in the dead of night to rob the local bank? Hell, you're willing to rob BestBuy for an Ipod aren't you?


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