Friday, May 04, 2007

over achiever

Are you like me? Crazy over achiever, borderline OCD?
I am cruel as hell in the new game I am playing. I have to confirm and re-confirm that I am in pain. I have medications whose sole purpose is to keep me comfortable. Yet, I stop taking them and I wait. When it becomes literally unbearable I take them.
I understand clearly that I cannot bend at the waist or I will get a nasty shock and yet? I do it anyway.
I am not a masochist. I hate the pain but if I medicate myself so much I eliminate all pain I feel like a fraud. I walk around afraid someone will point to me and say "Look at her, walking around, there's nothing wrong with her".
This is the problem all nurses and doctors have. Pain has to be present before it can be eliminated but if you eliminate it then it doesn't exist so don't need treatment.
Hence, this little cruel game.
Don't get me wrong, I have a great team. Not one of them would be happy with me withholding my meds. But if I can't feel the pain how will I know if it's worse or hilariously what if I got better and didn't need the drugs but I was taking them anyway?.
The other problem is dealing with other people. Other people have there own ideas about pain.
I have friends that literally have no pain tolerance. They cut a finger and it's straight to the ER. It's a paper cut and they are asking for drugs. I have someone else who I swear to God could take an axe to the head and not even notice the blood dripping into their collar. A complete disregard for pain that is truly awesome to behold .
I fall somewhere in the middle.
Some days you could hit me with the axe and I would blithely wander off...the head injury would cause the wandering off part. Other days I would be crying if you raised the axe handle in my general vicinity and made threatening noises. Most days I ignore it for as long as I can.

Lately my issues have become noticeable.
I have always had a generally invisible injury. Unfortunately neurological failures of a sort have revealed my issues. I stomp walk. I have temporarily I hope lost some of my reflexes. I cannot move my feet in the generally accepted manner. I lift and ..well..stomp. Like your toddlers will do when they are just finding their feet.
I look, I am told, like a Giant crushing villagers under my feet. Stomp, stomp, stomp.
So I now have to explain why I am crushing imaginary villagers to other people.

I hate other people, the people that aren't us. I don't want to explain .
I just want to pretend the villagers really need a good stomping.

I think I may be sad when my nice surgeon fixes my stomping and I go back to being invisible.

edit: I wanted to thank you for the very nice comments aways back. I am sorry Blogger wont process the comment. Yes, I probably did domething wrong.


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