Saturday, April 28, 2007

on being a thoughtless little pig

I know it's incredibly unoriginal to comment on Alec Baldwins parental meltdown but it made me think about a few things.
I wasn't offended by the comments he made to his daughter. I was offended by the really nasty shit he said about his daughters mother to his daughter.
I am a mother. I will admit to the whole Internet I have said some nasty shit to my kid over the last eighteen years. It wasn't a constant barrage requiring a Dr Phil intervention in the Dr Phil house but maybe five times over the years I got really pissed and said something hurtful. She in return critiqued my parental abilities rather harshly. In other words we had a fight.
Yes, I wish I was a saint that never lost my temper. I wish my kid never lost her temper either. I wish we , oh bullshit. Fighting isn't the end of the world.
Despite what Dr Phil tells you.

So, back to Alec. I don't know him but over the years he has created a certain pattern. I have heard him make some inappropriate comments during interviews, I have read some interviews that in all honesty left me with a pretty negative opinion of the guy. He seems to have a short temper.
I don't think for a second the guy would lift a hand to anyone but I can guarantee he can deliver a blistering rant that will include comments about your level of intellect and your appearance. I don't think anything is out of bounds for Alec in a verbal attack.
And that is a problem.
I get that Alec and his ex-wife are immature assholes that so love drama they have produced a never ending movie called "our divorce, the story of how I came to hate your guts you bitch/bastard".
I get that these two idiots really should never have been allowed to reproduce. Too childish, too dumb.
But they did and now we have to think about this kid. I don't want to think of this kid. I don't know her and it's more than likely I wouldn't like her if I did meet her.
That's not her fault. She is a kid that has learned through her awful parents that manipulation is the only way to operate. I imagine she has become an expert on how to turn the screws on both her parents when she wants her own way.
She can't help it. It's the only thing she knows.
She watches mom manipulating the press, lawyers, judges, friends and family. Dad does the very same thing. The power of this thing can't be ignored.
This kid is now fully involved in the power struggle between these two.
She knows she holds the power.
What she does with it should be interesting.
She will get a chance to go in front of the judge and talk about what she wants.
I have a sneaking suspicion both her parents have embarked on the biggest PR campaign of their lives. It's time to convince an eleven year old that you are the bestest parent in the whole wide world. What eleven year old wouldn't be intoxicated with that kind of manipulative power?

I hope she makes a wise choice but how in the hell can an eleven year do that?

I have grown tired of mothers groups and fathers groups that bleat and whine about their rights. Always they begin with how much they love their babies, then they crash right into how awful their co-parent is and how they are going to fight for their rights. Never do they say I want peace. I want an adult relationship. Never do they say "you know what? this fight is harming my kid, maybe it would be best that I stop dragging my ex and my kids to court every second week to fight over who has to pay for their soccer shoes."
Maybe I will concede the fight and relax.
A fight requires two willing combatants. How about walking away? How about being the mature one?
What is up with parents that fight child support?
I am always shocked when the breadwinner walks away from the marriage taking their income with them and then acting all aggrieved when the court says you need to support your kids.
Do you think a divorce erases human beings?
No, really. Just by the act of divorcing your wife/husband are you divorcing your children?
This is what I see all the time. It happens mostly with men but it is not unheard of in women. A guy divorces his wife. He disappears. He buys a new home and remarries. He has a new family. His other kids are treated like second class citizens. Unwanted by the new spouse.The father hates the reminder of the failed marriage.
The ex goes to court to get child support. The other ex goes to court and lies his ass off. All his assets are hidden under the new spouse. When child support is imposed the ex and new spouse tell everyone how child support is ruining their children's lives. No, not the ex children, the new ones. The "real" kids are being short changed, their lifestyles are being hurt because that rotten ex is stealing all their money, a refrain to everyone who will listen.
The ex kids get to listen to this. They are reminded constantly that if Dad didn't have to pay child support he could have a nicer house, or a better car, the kids could go to Disney World..but they can't because child support is ruining them.
Then the court battle begins. One ex wants to get some money to buy the kids some food and shoes. The other wants an itemized list of exactly how "their" money is spent every day. They believe if they have to pay child support they have a right to count clothes and check the fridge and cupboards. The other ex tells them to piss off so the other goes straight to court to cry that bitch/bastard isn't spending "my money" exactly the way I want them too.

All in front of the children..who they LOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEE.
well as long as they don't have to you know, support them or anything.

None of this has anything to do with the kids. Despite the fact that the parents heap blame on them by the very fact that they exist and require feeding.
This is all about two people who should never been married but stupidly did it anyway, two parents that should never have had children but did anyway. two people who are ignorant and immature and are so in love with all the drama and the feeling of self importance that they are more than willing to permanently harm their children in their quest to WIN.

They are thrilled with the harm because then they get to start the fight up again.
You can't win a battle until you have maimed or destroyed everything right?
Winning means the other side is bloody and bowed, ready to announce to the world that you were right and you win.
Congratulations. You win, your kid is a shambolic mess but hey! that's just collateral damage. And anyway it's not my fault, its that other bitch/bastards fault right?

a little edit: I know sometimes you are right, right to your very core. I know that in some very extreme cases a fight to the death in a custody case can ultimately save a kid.But you know what? Your custody case isn't that. Yeah, I know, you believe they are Satan put on earth to make your life a living hell but if you have ever used that statement out loud? That means you are a drama queen.
Child support is NOT a payment you make for the right to visit your kids.
Child support is that part of your income you used to look after your children, just because you don't live in the same house doesn't mean the kids stopped getting hungry.
You don't have a right to tie child support to visitation, either of you.
But if you refuse to feed your kids why are visiting them? Just checking to see how far the starvation has progressed? I don't get it.
If you cheerfully pay your support without whining, bitching and putting stings on every penny you will be amazed at how reasonable your ex becomes.
If you have already screwed up so many times you have your picture on a website? Well, maybe you should just terminate your parental rights and call it day.


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