Saturday, March 18, 2006

going shopping and love

I hate shopping for groceries. First I don't cook so hunting for interesting and exotic food is not me. I buy things that go in the oven for thirty minutes and then I tear off the plastic put whatever it is on a plate and announce that dinner is ready. The problem is all the food is the same. I am bored, bored,bored of noodles and vegetables and three small whitish lumps masquerading as chicken..blech.
I can make mashed potatoes..I add a ton of butter and mayo..fat is good for brain function..I wouldn't lie to you, I am a nurse! heh..tastes really good too.
I don't like meat. I am not a PETA extremist though..I just don't like the texture or the taste.
I can't digest red meat and for years I defaulted to chicken because I was raised by immigrants that felt a meal wasn't a meal without a piece of meat. Only really poor people ate vegetables and they were sickly and died early, sad deaths according to my grandmother. Maybe vegetarianism is a reaction to being raised by people who lived in terror of what the neighbours thought.
I never understood that myself but I knew my mother and father both came from very small villages in disparate parts of the United Kingdom surrounded by family that new every damn thing you did all the time.
I guess it did make them constantly vigilant for any sign that they were making a bad impression.
I was raised poor, really poor..the salvation army clothing kind of poor but you would never have known it. My mother went as often as she could, scouring the racks for clothes with "good" labels. She could never keep her mouth shut though. She would tell us as soon as we got home from school what incredible deals she had scored.
Over at Dooce she talks candidly about her post partum depression and her panic. My mother suffered her whole life with depression and panic. Back in the dark ages before effective drugs they did "therapy"....It was useless. You cannot talk the body out of being sick. It would be like telling the cancer victim that she could talk the cancer away. So our childhood was a miserable , terrifying experience. Living with the mentally ill every day is exhausting, maddening and sad.
Part of me can never forgive her for not giving us to my father to raise.
She held such bitterness and rage against him she couldn't see what would have been best. She had a right to be bitter, he was, as Hillary once said of Bill " a hard man to keep on the porch".
He was a good father though and he would have been the sane choice but there is the rub, she was insane and couldn't make sane choices.
My step father stayed with her for many, many years and I hold great admiration for him. He finally left when all of us kids moved out. He felt a real obligation to try to create a home for us, he was an invisible man though. He worked hard and paid our bills and drove my mother to the hospital when she would start screaming and couldn't stop.
When he finally left my mother he disappeared completely. He ignored all contact and I understood completely, He had done his duty to a woman he had loved only for a moment and children he fell in love with forever...he got us through safely and now he wanted a chance to get back to his own life.
It is strange how people fall in and out of your life. I found an old girlfriend recently and to my surprise I still liked her. She was as funny , smart and sarcastic as she was twenty years ago.
She had changed in some small ways, hardened a little about love and commitment. I had wished that she would have met someone to love her as she is lovable but her luck has been bad.
I don't understand much about bad relationships, the kind that hurt you so badly that you are changed in some fundamental way. I got lucky and stayed lucky. I picked someone I liked , I liked the tone of his voice, the way he moved..I knew I would be making a choice for forever.
Maybe if people stopped for a moment and thought "can I stand to listen to that voice for fifty years?" they would reconsider their bad choices.
I don't believe that true love blinds you, lust blinds when you are blinded to egregious faults know this is not love..If I loved this person I would see them wholly..all their faults fully visible. Choice would be possible..lust makes you an idiot.
I remember lust and cringe. It's a good thing memory fades with time.

After hearing about the "pirates" off the coast of Somalia firing on a US naval warship today all I can say is what were you smoking guys? Did you really think you could take on the US Navy?
I can only imagine the reaction on that warship..they were probably laughing so hard they could barely blow the damn pirates up.
I remember when we all cared about Somalia until they showed us they couldn't care less and we had to agree. Sad for the population but you cannot force people to behave, a lesson George Bush the dumber never really understood. Now we have a civil war in Iraq and Iran gleeful. George Bush took a stable country and blew it up so he could play Caesar, Emperor of the known world...What a mess and no way out. Vietnam was a cakewalk compared to this disaster.

You cannot force people to behave. You can only show them a safe way of life and hope they choose that path. You show them the carrot and forget the stick..the stick makes them hate you and forget about the carrot. Why is this so hard?

If George keeps on his path he will force Iran to react and he wont have enough troops to keep Iraq under control while beating up Iran and what about Afghanistan? My country is now trying to stabilize a country that has a government financed solely though drug money and welfare checks from other countries. Afghanistan is Germany after the first world war..destitute and desperate and we aren't paying attention to what is happening. Why is the Taliban still supported there? Why is the country still covered in poppy flowers? Because the people want it that way and you cannot force people to change.
There are danger signs everywhere but we are looking at Iraq and not paying attention to where the real trouble is brewing. Hamas, Taliban....the Saudi's..we have no idea what is happening and we are too stupid to believe that the Saudis are behind the whole thing..The Saudis created the Taliban, the Taliban created AlQueda...none of this has anything to do with Sunnis and Shiites does it? But where is our attention? Diversion everywhere so the Americans don't pay attention to Pakistan and Afghanistan where the real threat lies.
The world has become a really scary place and I wish George Bush was closer to the end of his term and the possibility of a new president was closer so we could begin to start stabilizing the world and start mending hurt feelings and get everyone back on the same side.
I want people to start caring about this planet and it's resources and the creatures including us that live here. We need to stop shooting at each other already.......We have solved NOTHING with this never ending violence, retribution and vengeance.
We haven't evolved at all..still cavemen beating each over the head with rocks.


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